XL Foods to be Re-Named 'Mardi Gras Meats' by its New Brazilian Management

Mardi Gras Meats new logo

In an exclusive telepathic interview this morning with José Batista Sobrinho, owner of Brazil-based JBS S.A. who are taking over XL Foods from the Nilsson brothers, José Batista Sobrinho denied being a relation of The Blue Jays injured right fielder, though he extended to Canada's baseball fans his sympathy for having such a terrible team. The interview went on to cover many important and worrisome aspects of the recent debacle in Brooks Alberta.

When asked about UFCW local pres. Doug O'Halloran's statements that, "Whistle blower protection for XL Foods workers "absolutely" would have prevented Canada's biggest beef recall",  Sobrinho replied, "Whistles, we don't need no stinking whistles. At JBS plants we pass out vuvuzelas to every dancer, oops i mean worker."

In Response to Jean Mulimbi's, a union steward with the United Food and Commercial Workers Canada local 401, comments that, .“All this is coming from the line speed,” Mr. Sobrinho said, "We're already working on several solutions to the line speed issue including shipping most of the Alberta cattle directly to the former XL Foods processing plants in Omaha, Neb and Nampa, Idaho along with almost all of the jobs and the recent immigrants or temporary foreign workers who are afraid to report concerns from Brooks to the US where they will fit right in." "Imagine", Sobrinho teleported, "the mayor of Brooks would get rid of almost 2,000 unemployed potential troublemakers, the Harpo government would be off the hook for paying them UIC, the ranchers would be happy, the feedlot owners would be happy, the US tax collectors and consumers would be happy. It looks like every body's a wiener with our new plan."

At that point the mind-melding connection started to fade and the only response received to our question about U.S. officials repeatedly citing XL Foods for deficient food safety standards stretching back more than a decade, including violations for E. coli contamination on multiple occasions? Was a bizarre statement about how JBS has for years been teaching cattle to do the Samba as a health promotion activity during their internment in the feedlots, and how that practice would be instituted immediately in Alberta.